[
This] is from
Myke.
Have a great winter, chicos.
December 13, 2002
The Scary Fucking Creepy Old Man
Señor Font estaba ausente hoy, so we had a substitute teacher.
He was an old, large, fat man with a distinctly phallic nose, and I recalled his annoying verbosity and nasty disposition from a few months ago, when he was subbing for my Art III class.
He started up a conversation with a few of us, and told us that he is the Director of Admissions for Columbia University! He said that he already knew that I was deferred from UPenn, and that four others were rejected. So a few of us gathered around him in our little chairs, encircling this old man, who startlingly resembled the Penguin (from the second Batman movie) combined with a manatee.
So the old, bald, greasy man went on about the admissions process, described certain people he had interviewed (including "a beauty queen from Manasquan with long, natural blonde hair that would stop traffic," according to him), and just went on and on and on.
And slowly, as he continued to go from story to story, I realized that this man was entirely insane.
I realized that he probably was NOT the Director of Admissions for Columbia University.
In fact, he is most definitely just a lonely old man working as a substitute teacher at a second-rate high school in New Jersey.
I envisioned him living in a dilapidated shack in the woods, eating nothing but Cup-O-Noodles and driving around in his 1982 station wagon, complete with wood paneling.
Laurie, Yasmeen, and I made up a song.
Laurie goes: "Shack. Shack. Shack. Shack." -- in a quick, bass, techno beat.
Then I go into a tremolo of: "Cup-o-noodles-cup-o-noodles-cup-o-noodles."
And then Yasmeen intermittently interjects with: "Stationwagon. Wood paneling."
Over and over and over again.
I heard from Ashley later on in gym class that this old creepy substitute had quite a Storytelling Time with her class.
According to her, he claimed a number of things.
These are all obviously ENORMOUS LIES, including the following:
1. His leg was crushed by cement during 9/11 while he was visiting his daughter at the World Trade Center-- he just got off his crutches six months ago, and now he's spry as a jackrabbit.
2. He has three daughters that all look completely different. One is six feet tall. Another is two feet tall. The last is a poodle.
3. One of his daughters attends Harvard, and has a class with the valendictorian, who is the Prince of Malaysia.
...
The Prince of Malaysia.
Okay.
4. The Prince of Malaysia has a sister who is seven feet tall and is the first Malaysian in the history of the world to have naturally blonde hair.
THIS MAN IS INSANE.
I don't even think he's actually a real substitute teacher. I think he just snuck into our school, tied up our REAL bona fide substitute teacher and dragged him into a closet, kicking and screaming.
When Señor Font opens the closet door first thing Monday morning, he'll be greeted with a big surprise.
December 12, 2002
UPenn is for NERDS.
After careful consideration of your application to the University of Pennsylvania for the Class of 2007, the Admissions Selection Committee has decided to defer the final decision until the Regular Decision notification date in April. I realize that you must be disappointed by this delay, but I want to assure you that this should not be interpreted as a denial.
What the shit?
Waitlists?
Deferrals?
I was even decked out today in Upenn's school colors, maroon and navy blue.. to no avail.
I've been waitlisted, which is basically a rejection letter laced with pity, or as Jordan accurately called it, "purgatory."
Welp. Now that the daily countdown until today's decision has finally expired, I now have approximately 120 days left until April, in which the regular decisions will be made.
120 days.
Tomorrow's plans:
Jump off a very tall building.
Consume great amounts of pesticide.
Throw myself underneath a steamroller which is leading some kind of massive parade with many obese tuba players.
Afterwards, fill out more applications.
All of those kids who have told me that Senior year is "SOOO MUCH FUN" should be gutted and freeze dried like Astronaut Ice Cream.
Also, thank you to all of my friends who have been putting up with my blubbering.
December 8, 2002
It doesn't matter if you're black or white..
But it does matter if you are a mutant.
Michael Jackson, you are a mutant.
And, you have mutant children.
Hideous, hideous, mutant children.
Of course, everyone has heard about Michael Jackson's nose coming off, right?
Well, that's not even HALF as scary as his terrifying, alien children.
The one on the right is MJ's son (yes, SON.), Prince Michael.
No, he's not looking down to avoid the cameras..
He's actually hanging his head in shame because of his awful, disgusting beast-children.
And I don't know.. somehow it seems to me that wearing hot pink veils in public is just not normal..
This one is his daughter, Paris.
Let's take a closer look here.
Take note to the fact that these kids do not look black, white, or even human.
Also keep in mind that I have NOT altered these images in any way at all.
Face it, Mike. He doesn't look like you. He looks more like this:
Yes, that's right. The Pillsbury Doughboy.
Prince Michael also bears a striking resemblance to the Lost Boy named Thud Butt from the movie Hook, but there are ABSOLUTELY NO PICTURES OF HIM ON THE INTERNET that exist.
Trust me, I've looked.
And a close-up of Paris, the little daughter.
What the hell? She looks like one of those kids Sally Struthers is always trying to feed for "just pennies a day."
I think MJ just kidnapped her from a small Ethiopian village and claimed her as his own.
To tell you the truth, even Bubbles, MJ's chimpanzee lover looks a lot more like him than his "children" do.
Has this not been a shocking revelation?
On an even more somber note:
Only 4 more days until Jordan and I hear from UPenn.. :O
I'm going to pee in my pants!
December 1, 2002
Happy December.
Click this or else:
[
Winter]
Only 11 more days until Jordan and I hear from UPenn..
